I was so sad lately. Well, to be precisely, still sad. Recently I got a big trouble stomp in my life and I even thought to end my life at that very moment. Yes I was stupid. Not remembering that it’s shouldn’t be me who ever dare to thought to end my life; it’s supposed to be someone else. I, on the other hand, should support her.
Anyway I was saved that night, and wouldn’t even dare to end my life. Well, we should have just to keep moving with whatever problem we had, shouldn’t we? Besides, my faith taught me not to end yourself, it’s one of big sin. But it is easier to be said rather than implemented. I am still haunted by the past, and the pain was even more. It’s just like that the pain was fed by my hatred. It’s growing and alive. So the best way to keep out of it is not to think about my problem at all; I won’t feel any hate or revenge so I won’t feel the pain.
But even doing so, I still feel empty, not productive, getting lazy. All that I did this time was lazing around, doing nothing except that was very important to support my life; such as sleep, eat, drink, and finished assignments. Not to mention that I have to study for final exam – I’m still lazy to do that. I know it’s not healthy, I supposed to not do those kinds of things, somewhere in my brain telling me “Hey, move your ass. You gotta do something so you can help yourself in the future!”; but all of those didn’t move me at all.
And God helps me. I know God prepared a plan for me. It’s a coincidence for me; when I suddenly meet a friend that I didn’t even want to tell my problem to him. For me, best friend is only one. And only my best friend has the privilege to know even my worst secret. That’s number one principal for me as an individualist. I used to solve my problem myself, motivate myself, doing all the things myself, so asking an advice to a friend is a very difficult thing to do (except to write it on blogs, hehe). So when I met that friend, I never intend to tell him anything. But suddenly it flowed from my mouth, even no tears (I always shed at least a drop of tear whenever I think my problem). He told me; keep moving. Convert all of your emotion to passion for success. Change your motivation to make your mother happy.
Roger that. Four days later, I made no progress. Suddenly, when I was playing a game in front of TV, my ears listened to a program about life learning. Actually, it was a Christianity program but it told me a good message; “God wanted to give you a blessing, but your hatred forbids it.” So you have to let go those hate feelings and all of negative emotions. When you did that, you can control yourself to do many good things.
One day later, my fingers started to move. One paragraph added to my final assignment draft – long way to go but I considered it as a good start. Moments later, I watched Meet the Robinsons on TV. It’s a Walt Disney animation about a genius boy who always failed at making inventions. One message from it: Keep Moving Forward. Suddenly Mum changed the TV channel to Mario Teguh show, one of Indonesian motivator. He said; “There could be time when you want to feel sad, until you forget that you should have to take care of yourself for the future.” (more or less, maybe I mixed it with other things but that’s the point he explained).
Then those entire coincidence messages started blending in my head: It’s ok to be sad, but don’t make it too long. Don’t ever pity yourself. After you’ve done with your sadness, gain your positive feelings, find your talent and potential. Don’t let your negative emotions overwhelm you, you have to take control of yourself and make a good motivation to go. Then, keep moving forward and let the past be a history that you can make good story to learn.
I promise, from this point, I won’t be sad anymore. I have to go. I have to be successful in this life and in the next life. And the very first thing to do is to write this post, I hope that there will be somebody out there who could benefit from my story. Bismillah…